Lost in Limbo

11:45pm

4 hours later and I’ve barely sketched Eim’s face. I’m not even half as happy as I’m supposed to be at how it turned out. Kenapalah aku dok agree nak lukis gak? Ahahahaha….

I’m trapped at home. Not so little brother runs off to Cyberjaya everyday and leaves me home to supervise the renovation (superviseNYEE…aku dok melangok depan komputer sampai berpinar mata). I haven’t had a decent lunch since Sunday! Wanted to go out to the movies and look for new CDs at Low Yatt, and go buy Ragnarok topup card (you get the point…I’m supposed to be a busy yet happy little camper). Haven’t even unpacked. Told my mom I’d wash all the clothes I brought back from campus, clean or otherwise, but I haven’t unpacked a single thing! Rumah dahla macam tongkang pecah….

Crap, Eim’s sketch is staring at me. Have to get back at drawing else I won’t make the deadline.

Actually, I’m supposed to draw a portrait of Eim & Nije as their wedding gift this Sunday. God, the amount of people getting married before we start working. To think most of us are only 24 this year and building a family already? I wonder if 5 or 6 years down the road and we have a reunion…some would have two or three children (maybe more), 1 or two would be going through divorce, some would be overseas and couldn’t make it, and at the rate things were going back in campus, a constant finding would be added girth. And there I would be, my hair a shade of brown (blond! I want blond!), my face finally cleared up from extensive facials (it doesn’t take too long to hang around me to notice how vain I am — borderline narcissistic and damn proud of it!), wearing the latest Armani suit — too bad I can’t do anything bout my height! — and one of the only men who still has a waist. Then everyone would be fussing about me settling down, start a family…the usual crap. I would laugh at their comments and reccomendations, brushing them off without a second thought.

Then I would see one of my friends entertaining one of his/her children. I would swoop the child into my arms, giving him a piggy-back ride like a doting uncle. I’ve always adored children, and I hope I always will. All the while I would think had I made the right choice in not getting married so early?

Ahahaha…then again, maybe I’ll end up with two children in my arms and a pregnant wife in tow! And people would tell me "Finally you’ve gained some weight!" — Crap, that’s an ugly and scary thought!

Oh crap! I was trying to write a story, or at least part of it, just to get things started, but I end up deleting the first sentence I wrote and come up with this instead! Talk about permanent writer’s block! More than a year…more than a complete year since I wrote a full story! Sure I can come up with something…what’s the word…eloquently bombastic…for profiles and testimonials and ramblings and such. But to write an actual short story like I always did….Crap!

Lemme try something….

She didn’t want to cry. She tried her best not to, but her eyes wouldn’t listen. Before she could do anything to stop it, a drop of tear fell onto her lap. Then a steady trickle ran down her cheeks. She cursed her luck that day. If only she did not go to the job interview, she would not have been turned down.

See…it doesn’t sound right!

I’m listening to Suteki Da Ne, theme song for Final Fantasy X. The song was played for the ending sequence. It was beautiful. After more than 120 hours playing the game (it’s recorded in the save file), I feel nostalgic whenever I hear this song. Brings back memories. It was a seriously good game, with a strong plot, gorgeous FMVs, and a bittersweet ending. Thought I’d share the lyrics. Poetic.

kaze ga yoseta kotoba ni
oyoida kokoro
kumo ga hakobu ashita ni
hazunda koe

The wind, like a heart that swam in the accumulated words
The clouds, a voice that was shot into the holding future

tsuki ga yureru kagami ni
furueta kokoro
hoshi ga nagare koboreta
yawarakai namida

The moon, a shaking heart in an unsteady mirror
The stars, gentle tears in an overflowing stream

suteki da ne
futari te wo tori aruketa nara
ikitai yo
KIMI no machi ie ude no naka

Isn’t it beautiful, to walk together in each others hands
I do so want to go,
To your city, your house, into your arms.

sono mune
karada azuke
yoi ni magire
yumemiru

That heart,
held within your body
In those confusing nights
I dream

kaze wa tomari kotoba wa
yasashii maboroshi
kumo wa yabure ashita wa
tooku no koe

The wind, its halting words are a gentle illusion
The clouds, the broken future like a distant voice

tsuki ga nijimu kagami wo
nagareta kokoro
hoshi ga yurete koboreta
kakusenai namida

The moon, a heart flowing in the clouded mirror
The stars, broken and swaying, like tears unable to be hidden.

suteki da ne
futari te wo tori aruketa nara
ikitai yo
KIMI no machi ie ude no naka

Isn’t it beautiful, to walk together in each others hands
I do so want to go,
To your city, your house, into your arms.

sono kao
sotto furete
asa ni tokeru
yumemiru

That face,
A soft touch,
Dissolving into morning,
I dream.

And we have a liftoff!

Okay. I seriously suck at keeping a journal. But then, come to think about it…I’ll be having so much free time (at least until the end of next month), so what the hey. Might as well do something.

Thursday the 14th was a good day for me. I barely slept the night before, having a directory listing to finish (which, by the way, I am proud of. Thanks, Kean Khang!). Woke up at 9:10 at the sound of an incoming message. My daily BrainGrain message, thanks to Maxis at RM1 a month. Just as I deleted the message, I noticed an incoming message from my PA, timed 8:53. The last time my heart dipped was the first time i took 40mg of Propanolol. I opened the message.

"Tahniah Dr Fazli!" was what Dr Suhaimi wrote to me. A single line, with unmeasurable implication. My heart dipped even lower I actually felt it beat in my guts. The first thought that crossed my mind was "Shit, for real?!" I called my mom. She cried. So very familiar, as only my grandmother cries on the phone. Guess you are your parents after all. I needed to tell someone, but I had to wait for the announcement so I could hear my name being called. I still couldn’t believe it. I called my dad, and then my grandma. He didn’t cry (although he sounded mighty proud), but she did. My grandma cried, just like my mom. At this point, my heart still hadn’t returned to its original position. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t laugh, I couldn’t smile. I was numb.

I rushed to Kean Khang’s room. I had to share the news with him. Being the closest friend I had there, he had to be the first outside the family to know. Then I looked for Fazrin. Sadly, the response I got from him was not what I expected. "Phukee, ko tau dulu!" was not exactly of a congratulatory nature. Hahahaha…no offence, bro.

I had to hug someone. Usually my mother is there for me to hug when something big such as this happens. I wanted to call one of the girls, but since all of them were going bald from not knowing what their results would be, I decided otherwise. I sought out Naim Nassir, who offered a brotherly hug (you naughty people you. No more dirty thoughts!).

I called Reza after that. I had to let my best friend know, didn’t I? Nevertheless, I didn’t feel as good as I expected after telling him. But that is for another time.

11:30 am, Lecture Hall 2

Almost everyone was there. Quite a number of our lecturers too. My phone was on, with my mom at the other end of the line. I wanted her to hear my name being called. I wanted to share my moment with the light of my life. I sat with Lit by my side, and we held each other’s hands for support.

Then Prof Rahman started the announcement. One by one he called out the graduates from the graduating class of ‘05. It was a blur. I was busy clapping hands for my colleagues who made it. Then I think I heard "15…Dr Fadzlishah Johanabas bin Rosli!" (he called out our names alphabetically). My heart skipped a beat. I actually passed! When I asked my mom if she heard it, she was already crying (women and tears!). I was especially elated when I heard Gajah’s name being called (Dr Muhammad Firdaus Abas, actually), as well as Lit’s, Fazrin’s, Maz’s, and the rest of my friends’. But I also noticed some of my friends’ names missing from the growing list. The day was good, but it was not perfect. I felt for my close friends.

Later I called Kasha and Faiz, my cherished siblings. By then I was already busy trying to finish the CD. I wanted to go out celebrate, but everyone was busy celebrating with everyone else. My muse took pity on me and gifted me with a beautiful idea for the CD. So friends, the CD is my own way of celebrating our ‘victory’.

I did not sleep that night, that busy I had been. And I didn’t get a single cent for the CDs! It’s all good, though. I made people smile, and a few months to years down the road (if the files still work!), people will look back and smile at the fond memories. If even tears well up in their eyes, I’ve done my job well. I will be satisfied. It was a work of love, and my feelings would have been coveyed.

Wishes…

If only I had studied more….Wait. No regrets there. Maybe a little. Ehehehe. But if I had not spent too much time concentrating on a single friend, I would have had the chance to appreciate the friends around me more. I would have lost my best friend, but I would have made more close friends. If any of my friends happen to read this far, I’d like them to know I’ll never forget their smile, their laughter, their gift of friendship. Maybe 5 years down the road some will have bigger waistlines, or with a child or two, or even stay the same, I hope they’d still have me for a friend.

Godbless.